Broken People

What can you say to someone so broken she's been crying for weeks? What do you say to someone who's daughter won't speak to her? What do you say to someone who's mother won't speak to her either? What do you say to someone who has no food, no water, no health insurance, and no money because her same daughter filled out the government papers wrong? What do you say to someone who can't even eat what food is left in her house? What do you say to someone who's mom won't even let her take a shower in her house? What do you say to someone who's so broken?
I didn't know what to say to her. She's 47, I'm 18, anything I said wouldn't have any weight. "Oh, don't worry, things'll turn up!" doesn't mean anything, they're just empty promises. She's been through Hell and back. She didn't even know if she wanted to live anymore after her daughter left without a "goodbye" or a single look back. True, she wasn't ever on the list of "Best Mom's in America," but not even the crappiest mom on earth deserves such torment from her own family. She has no one to turn to, and she knows that solemn fact.
But it struck me as odd, that she was so strong in our 20 minute conversation today. She told me, she knew that things would get better, that it always happened that the hard times gave way to the good. I could see it in her tear filled eyes, that although it didn't resolve any of her pain, she believed what she was telling me.
She needs someone. She has someone too, but she doesn't know Him yet. There is always hope! I've known her to be an atheist all my life, and the other day she texted me, telling me to pray for her daughter and "God bless you."
Whoever reads this, please, aid me in praying for this broken woman and her family.

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning" - Josh Wilson

Daddy's Girl

Abba, Father, I want to thank you. I want to thank you with all of my heart for being here for me all the time, for loving me and cherishing me. I take it for granted so much, but when I think about the things in life that are bringing the people I care about down, I get discouraged. Thank you for being me loving Heavenly Father, always.
And thank you also for sending me a wonderful earthly father. I've seen so many of my friends grow up without a father in their lives, or with a crappy father who doesn't love and hold his little girl like he should. That makes me sad, because I love the relationship I have with my Daddy, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He has never abused me, he has constantly been here for me, though he may be a little too logical and non-emotional and a fairly demanding parent, I know he loves me. He's authoritative, yet kind. He hugs me when I have a bad day, he helps me with my math homework instead of yelling at me for a failing grade, he gives me guidance and direction as I go through so much stress and uncertainty about the future, and I could go on all night about the things he's done, the good constantly outweighing the bad, though he's not a perfect person.
So I thank you so much God, for giving me an earthly father that so greatly models you, so that I can know that I'm a beautiful girl, in his eyes and in yours, and that I am worth something.
I pray that you'll help all of the girls in the world who don't have such a connection to their earthly fathers see that they have a Heavenly one who loves them unconditionally and will never leave or forsake them, that they are perfect in your eyes.

I love my Daddy here on Earth,
and I love you Heavenly Father.
Amen.

Discouragement

It's been kind of rough lately.
Only one of my friends that I see on a daily basis is a good Christian person, the rest cuss and drink and smoke and make bad jokes. (I don't hate them because of this, I truly love them. That's why I hang around them. But it gets frustrating when they talk about parties and sex and crap like that all the time.)
My math class (one of the 5 classes I'm taking) gives me so much homework that I spend an average of 7 hours per day working on it.
I just found out my ex-boyfriend had been cheating on me. That's happened before, no big deal, some people are just jerks. But he was the one who remained my friend for four years, he was the one who constantly picked me up when I was down, made me feel like someone special. The note he wrote in my yearbook brings me to tears. I've always considered him a good, respectable, southern guy, he's even a Marine now. I never though he would be capable of something like this.
A friend of mine is pregnant, and she just keeps having bad things happen to her, she's almost constantly in tears and she's been so stressed, it seems like nothing is going right. I just want people to be happy, is that too much to ask?

But I shouldn't complain right?
So many of the world's children are living in and dying because of poverty.
Young girls in some third world countries don't go to school because they have to walk 3.5 miles to get water, which weighs about 50 pounds.
Thirteen year old girls are kidnapped and forced into sex slavery.
So many people in so many countries are living on less than $2.50 per day.
Children are constantly being orphaned and abandoned.
There is so much pain in the world, and I feel discouraged everyday because of the miniscule problems I face.

I tell myself this and the next day I feel hardly any different, still discouraged, still hopeless, still sluggish.
I walked upstairs to the Sanctuary of my church last night, right after our youth lesson was over, the first words I heard were:

"Discouragement is inevitable when we try to face our problems on our own strength."

Maybe that's how people in poverty stricken places can have so much faith, they rely on God because they literally have nothing. I have so much, and sometimes I take that for granted and forget to rely on my Father; I think I can handle it on my own instead.

"Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate, who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender, to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something heavenly"
~Sanctus Reel

Praying for You and Me

"Father, I'm prayin' for a friend he and I are pretty close, and out of all my friends for this one I'm concerned the most. He say he readin' daily but he ain't really learnin'. He been in church but say that he ain't moved by any sermon. His face weak, he ain't prayed in a week, he wake up and just weep with his face in the sink Lord, you gotta help my man, I'm prayin' for him daily, he ain't sinned but it just seem as if he goin' crazy. He say he feelin' trapped

even though he talk to me, I tell him what to do but he don't listen when he oughta' be. I'm scared for him coz there's people that look up to him, he got some younger siblings who been changed by what he's done for them but is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me, is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me...

God, his condition is worsen since we were last conversed and I'm with him now and he ain't doin' well and this I'm certain. He say he tryna' trust you, doesn't wanna disgust you but he was in the mist of sinners and did not discuss you and just today his anxiety's got the best of him, he knows Christ but for hours refuse to rest in Him, he's not the best of men but Lord I know he really loves you and I can't understand why lately he's not thinkin' of you. People trust this dude, you could crush this dude, Father he needs more of you I pray you touch this dude, what can I say to him? I'm determined to pray for him Father empty and brake him I pray you'll just have your way with him, coz there's a change in him and the effects are strong, I pray you open up his heart before the next song and when he gets home, I pray he'll open up the sixty-six book love letter you wrote and soak it up coz he ain't hearin' You and he ain't feelin' me and God I know it's killin' You because it's killin' me and matter of fact there's somethin' else he's concealin' see, the person that I've been prayin' about is really me..."

-Lecrae

I need to pray for others as well.. I keep saying I will, telling them they're in my prayers, but I haven't prayed in so long, how can I be saying these lies to them? I teach a Sunday school class now, I should know better than this, doesn't James say teachers are judged more harshly?

I pray for her, I haven't told her, but she's been going down the wrong path for so long. I feel like maybe I'm to blame? I should have been a better example? A better friend? A better person? I see her all the time, but I never tell her that she needs to turn her life around, I'm afraid she'll completely stop talking to me and then it would be hopeless anyway, but doing nothing is just the same. Father, she needs direction, she needs conviction, I don't even know if she still believes anymore! Help her to help herself. I know her situation is rough, but she needs to continue to have the motivation to get herself out of the rut. I love her dearly, please help me to help her too.

I pray for her as well, she's been so sick. Physically sick and tired. I feel bad, I want to reach out to her, but we aren't the closest of friends. We are growing closer, in fact, she confided something in me the other day. It was something that she found out over the weekend, devastating, depressing, I can only imagine how worthless she is feeling right now. She's always had a problem with seeing herself through your eyes and not the eyes of the world. Please help her to have peace, to know that though she is going through a major storm in her life right now, that she still has people that love and care for her. I admire her strength and I look forward to being in college with her and spending even more time with her, I just hurt because she hurts. We have fun in the library, eating ice cream, making fools of ourselves on campus, but there is always that undertone of reality, that when the laughing and painful sides and cheeks sore from smiling are all gone, life is still just as dreadful and scary as it was before. I love her, and I want her to know that. I tell her, but I don't think she truly hears. Give her love, God, give her hope.

I pray for her as well, dear Lord. She is a strong woman too, but she's scared. She's scared that her mistake will lead to the scorn of someone she truly cares about. It is a mistake that can't be hidden for very long, and she has decided to tell her loved one tomorrow. She is nervous, so nervous, that her loved one will be angry with her, hate her, not talk to her. But she wants this person to know that she still has a special place in her heart for them, that nothing will ever take that away. I tried to console her, and she told me my words helped more than I know. I hope that they truly did. And I pray that, Father, you will give her the right words to say to her loved one tomorrow, that you will be with them and help them to know that she still loves them. I pray that their bond will not be broken.

I pray also for him, I love him. I love him more than I've loved others that have come both before and after him, but he's been taken from me. Or, honestly, I let him go without meaning to. I pray that you keep him safe, keep his paths straight. Where he is right now is an easy place to be lead astray, especially with the people he is around from now until October. I pray that even after he comes back home that you keep him safe as he is enlisted. If I ever find out something tragic has happened to him, my heart may fail right then and there. I know I just discovered some awful news about him today, and I know that it should make me furious. But it only hurts me more. I can't be mad at him, no matter how hard I try. But I can't let him go either. He has a good heart, so please, God, keep a protective hand around him.

And I pray for her. I don't want to, but I know I have to. It is so easy for me to hate her, but I know I mustn't. I've been trying to be kind to her in my actions, but if my heart is not in it, then it is useless! My heart was in it, until I discovered that same awful news. It was so hard to show kindness to her today, I may have inadvertently given her the cold shoulder. But I will try to love her, because I know that I should show your love to even the most unlovable of people. You didn't turn away tax collectors, or adulterers, or lepers, you loved them as anybody else. Please Father, help me to love her as anybody else. Help me to show her kindness, because I owe it to her, to him, and to you. If you loved someone as vile as I, surely I can love her.

Last but not least, I pray for another him, in almost the same position, though farther along in the military. I love this person so much and I miss him. I used to see him weekly, but he's been gone for some time and will be for much more time. I enjoy the sparse facebook chats, and I love looking as he posts new pictures from that dangerous land across the Atlantic. He has so many people who love him here and he is in such danger. He is doing it for a noble cause however, and dear Lord I pray with all my heart that you keep him safe across the ocean, I pray on behalf of myself and all the others who love him dearly. I know his mother is praying daily and nightly for him, and I wish I had her dedication. I can't wait until his safe return.

And the return of them all, those noble men who are sacrificing everything for the well-being of those of us who are sitting in the comfort of our own homes. I pray that you watch, guide, and protect our troops, and let them have a safe journey home. I also pray that you comfort their families, especially those who have lost their loved ones over there. The families that stay home and wait for the return of their loved ones make a very precious sacrifice as well.

I pray all these things in your good and Holy name, Amen.

Growing Older

 
I've just finished my first week of college and am about to start my second week tomorrow morning! I'll be able to vote in November and be called for jury duty. I can drive, go places without asking for permission, have a job. I have so much more freedom and responsibility now than I did 4 years ago when I wasn't even allowed to walk around the mall by myself.

I was cleaning tables at the diner I work in, and I noticed a sweet looking elderly woman sitting alone at one of the tables with 3 or 4 small drinks on the table in front of her. (I work at an arcade-like place with a diner built in) She was most likely waiting on her grandchildren as they were playing. I had seen elderly men and women do this before, but they usually had a crossword, newspaper, book, etc. in their hands. This woman had nothing to occupy herself with, she was content to simply sit and watch the children passing by.

I wondered what she was thinking about. Was she just zoning out? Was she thinking about when she was the age of her grandchildren? When her kids were that age? Was she thinking about her kids? About her husband? Was she wishing her parents were still around? If her parents were still around was she stressing about how to care for them? Was she wishing she had spent more time with them growing up? Was she reminiscing about all the years past? Was she remorseful? Or did she have no regrets? Was she happy with the way her life turned out? Did she wish it had panned out differently? Was she ready to die? Or was she terrified about what would come in the next couple decades or so? Was she wishing for a time machine? Did she marry the wrong person? Treat her parents wrong? Raise her kids badly? Had she been too selfish with her time and/or money? Was she wishing she had been more kind? More patient? Should she have chosen a different career? Should she have saved up more money for life insurance? Should she have made better decisions in college? Should she have gone to college? Should she have kept in touch with her old friends? Or was she glad she made that career choice and was able to have enough money in savings? Was she glad that she kept in touch with her old friends? Was she eagerly awaiting the next high school reunion(s)? Was she excited to see her parents again after she died? Was she afraid of being forgotten?

I didn't know anything about this woman other than her appearance at a glance, but she made me think. She made me think about my choices, putting myself in her shoes. When I get to be her age, what will I be thinking as I wait for my grandchildren to tire of playing arcade games? Will I be satisfied with the way I've lived my life? Or will I be desperately wishing I had a time machine? I've decided to make more of an effort, to be more kind, generous, loving, and patient. To live my life to the fullest, without fear of inadequacy, without fear of regrets. I want to make sure that when I die, at least one person may remember me and have been touched in some good way by me. That way I can leave my impact on the world and shown even just a small sliver of the love God has given me.

Update!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step~Unknown

The mightiest oak was once a tiny acorn that stood it's ground~Unknown

So I had the worst day yesterday. I was awfully tired and hungry and the guy who was supposed to be on the second cash register never showed up, giving me no break. I'm trying to get myself to move on from one guy, but I can't stop thinking about him and I know it's not healthy. I was also still kind of depressed from saying goodbye to all of my closest friends this week. My two very best friends both left, and I cried while driving for the first time this week. Today was supposed to be our traditional movie day with us three, but they're gone. One's in Cullowhee, the other in Boone.
But let's not dwell on the bad parts. I'm skyping the one in Boone and the one in the Whee is coming back Saturday to get some stuff he forgot.

I was extremely worried about my first taught Sunday School lesson this morning. I had no reason to be! I only had one lovely 3rd grader this morning, and she reminds me so much of myself when I washer age. She is SO smart, that she pretty much taught the Bible story about Paul and Silas in prison to me! But then she confided in me, she's been bullied in school the past 3 years, and her little brother is now in Kindergarten and she is scared that he's going to get bullied too. And she is so wise that she realizes she isn't going to have her parents forever and she doesn't want that day to come. She told me all of these things until she had brought herself to tears. I felt my heart slowly breaking. I offered her some God-given advice I didn't know I had, and I tied it all in with the Bible lesson as well. But then I heard myself; I was telling her to pray for her guidance and her little brother. I realized that maybe I should start taking my very own advice. I've been scared for my little brother all my life as well, I need to go back to praying for him every day again, as well as for some much needed guidance.

Then this girl told me a story about her first day of school this year. She had gotten an answer wrong on a placement test, but she had a second chance after they graded it. The second time she got the answer correct. When they went to lunch, she prayed to God, thanking him for helping her get it right and she said that some of the other kids looked at her weird for doing so. I was so shocked by this story. I was in such a state of admiration at her faith. If only I could have the faith of a child again, I'm finally realizing what everyone means when they say this.

God speaks to Moses through a burning bush

What I've just written makes me feel inadequate, yet capable at the same time. I feel like Moses. I am capable through God to carry on and help this little girl whom I admire so much, and I am inadequate to do so on my own. As I start my very first day of college tomorrow morning, I pray I keep this in mind. Tomorrow is, in fact, the first day of the rest of my life; but then again, everyday is!

Exodus 4:12 (NIV)

"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

WARNING: Unusually Short Post Ahead!

College = stress. I'm not quite there yet, but will be in less that 2 weeks. Change = terrifying.
Not only is it crazy expensive, the college I'm going to is fairly lacking in the planning ahead department, my best friends are leaving to both Cullowhee and Boone while I'm staying in my parents' house, I'm not taking any fun classes, and I'm gonna miss high school terribly. Add on to that, my job is turning into a weekend job and since I can't work on Sunday's, I get 8-10 hour shifts every Friday and Saturday until around Thanksgiving.

Migrant Mother taken by Dorothea Lange.
Depicts Florence Owens Thompson, 32, mother of 7
California, March 1936 - The Great Depression

But I'm done complaining. I had a fight with the parents a day or two ago, resulting in my breaking of the washing machine and not eating for close to 24 hours. I felt so depressed, and so alone. My friends were leaving, all my high school mentors weren't gonna be there, my parents haven't been giving me as many rules (seems like a good thing until you get there), etc. I felt like the woman in this famous photograph of the great depression looks. Burdened and forced to go it alone.

But this morning, one of my very close friends sent me a text. He made my day so much better, just with his words. I don't think he'll mind if I quote him (not like many people will read this, again, it's predominantly for my benefit...). I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful friend as you =]
His exact words:

"Lord, I thank u for this day I thank u for another oppurtunity to serve u and Lord I jus thank u especially for Amber Lord she means so much to me and I thank u for putting her in my life and being able to kno tht no matter wat shell be ther for me and Lord I pray u would jus bless her and help her hve a good day and kno tht I love her and if there's anything she needs I'm always here for its in your name we pray amen."

This...THIS made my day so much better and contributed to bringing me outta my mini-stress-induced-depression-thingy.

Had to take a trip over to my future college, and boy was that stressful! I was strung out most of the day. Locked my keys in the car, so tired when I got to work, couldn't find a Starbuck's gift card for one of my friends who's leaving soon, etc. So when I get on Facebook for a few seconds after a long and exhausting day today, I saw a reminder. Another friend of mine had a very inspirational status, I've quoted her before on here. But I just wanted to save her words and remember them for later in life:

"Never give up, you have to try. Fight against the sadness. You need to find your self- worth other wise you can't be there for others. The inside is what counts. Don't doubt yourself. Be confident in who you are. Your never alone. You always have friends. Don't forget your hopes and dreams. People with no hope are easy to control. Never stop fighting! Remember you have the power to stop the pain/ problem!"

Thank you, for never failing to write what I need to hear! (I hesitate putting names on here, but if she wants credit, I'll gladly give it. Because these are NOT my words.)

  OK, so not as short as the title may lead...but
 shortER than normal!

Look up Isaiah 40:31. Beautiful Bible verse! 

Food for Thought:

Today was a very very thought-provoking day...

-Last night I continued thinking about my friend from Six Flags and what he'd said and where he's been. So I decided to research a way to go on a mission trip to Haiti, just to see how much it would cost (a lot by the way). I e-mailed the most promising website/organization I discovered, and today I've done a lot of thinking about if I really should go or not.

  -My friend's youth group was going rafting today, I was tagging along. On the road to the rapids we were listening to a few songs that sparked a conversation. Gimme Your Eyes - Brandon Heath; Jesus, Friend of Sinners - Casting Crowns; and God So Loved the World - Charles Billingsley (sung by, not sure it was written by him). As Christians, we are called to love the unlovable, as Christ did. I saw a picture that was making fun of the Chick-fil-a ordeal. It showed a bunch of people lining up outside of Chick-fil-a on August 1st and the text said something like "You would never see that many Christians helping out at a homeless shelter or food bank...and that's something Jesus actually said to do." Though the picture was making fun of Christians, it has an element of truth to it. We shouldn't just serve others when it's convenient, when we get chicken out of it, but we also need to sacrifice just a little bit of our time and help those broken ones in the world.
Jesus died for them too.

 -On this rafting experience, I was struck by how amazing and beautiful God's creation really is. We get so caught up in our daily lives, we forget to just take some time and look around us, and see all the wonderful things God has truly blessed us with so that we may enjoy life here on earth.

-I can't swim; therefore I am afraid of water. I am afraid of water; therefore I can't swim. Yet today, I was completely fine. I didn't hyperventilate or even fall out of the raft. I enjoyed myself. This showed me that though I'm scared of a lot of things the future may bring, God will take care of me, and He's gonna make it truly awesome. And just as beautiful as the fog on top of the water this morning; though you can't see what's coming next, it's beauty cannot go unnoticed.

-I work at a diner. I've been working there for about 2 weeks. And I find myself, whenever I'm telling someone about my new job, complaining about how rude and how disgusting the customers are. It's as true as the sky is blue. Yesterday was probably the WORST day for rude customers. So bad I almost wanted to quit. But today, not a single rude customer approached me. I was in a fairly good mood because my rafting trip just before work was just as fun as it was exhausting. One teenage girl hadn't spoken up to her dad in time to order a milkshake, and her mom told her she should've said something earlier with somewhat of a disgusting tone in her voice. The girl just walked off, obviously upset. When I was cleaning a table nearby, I saw this girl and her family. She still looked upset, so I told her I would make her a milkshake, and that I wouldn't charge her for it. She lit up and I made her a chocolate milkshake, putting my dinner money in the cash register. But it was so worth it! She was so happy, and she couldn't thank me enough. Sometimes it's the little things you do that can really brighten someone's day.

-Less than an hour later, God told me that my kind act hadn't gone unnoticed. I was about to go clean a table that this woman was leaving, and I noticed she was putting her pizza pan and tray by the trash can, and throwing her trash away! That hardly ever happens, so I was thoroughly impressed. I walked over there, thanked her, and started cleaning up the two high chairs she had used. Then, surprising me even more, she apologized for the awful mess her baby twins had made! I would have been just as touched if it had stopped here, but she set down a few dollars on the table before smiling and walking away. I was shocked! And now I had some money to get something to eat! I thanked her, and smiled real big. That one woman put me in the best mood I've ever been in at work, and I pray God doesn't let her kind act go unnoticed either.

I can't do this alone

-Driving home after closing a few hours ago, the song Lead Me - Sanctus Real came on. I personally love this song, I think it has a great message, it's sung well, and I like the tune. While driving, I was singing along, not really thinking too much about it, but the last line struck me as I was turning into my street: "Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone!" Right then, I knew God was speaking to me. I'm putting too much of my decision making in my hands, in my friends' hands, in my parents' hands, in my various mentors' hands, when I should be putting it all into GOD'S HANDS.

-I was planning on writing all of this tonight, but when I turned on my computer and a Facebook notification told me that a friend of mine who I like to keep up with had a new post, I read that first. Her status: "Did you know that 80% of what you tell people is negative and 20% is positive??? Think about it!" And, of course, this made me think a WHOLE lot. I won't go into much detail because I'm rather tired and this point is fairly self-explanatory. But her post helped me figure out how to write this post, as bullet points!

/|\ /|\                                           /|\ /|\
 |   |Just some food for thought...|   |
Love God, Love People~Luke10:27

Walking Through Fog

"I'm still holdin' on

That's why I still pray

Feelin' empty inside

I can't make it through the day

I don't know what else to do

I don't know what else to say

I'm talkin' to ya now

But I promise that you feel so far away"-Lecrae (Far Away)

This song is one I listened to on an endless loop when I went to the beach after my big mistake (Shameful Failure). It helped me a lot again last night.

My youth group and I went to Six Flags (Carowinds is much better, for the record) and the day was mostly fun, a little bit of drama, but that's always expected with my two girl friends. Our group of 6 got in line for the Superman ride at about 4, and it turned out to be so long that we were waaaay late for our meeting time back at the church bus. Our youth minister was, needless to say, very mad. the plan now was, since we were leaving so late, that we would not stop for dinner on the way back home. Everyone blamed us, rightfully so. But our youth minister didn't yell at us quite as much as we were expecting. I think I speak for my group when I say I felt dreadful.

An hour after the bus had started moving, we were stopping in a McDonald's parking lot. (((This has nothing to do with what I'm writing, but my dog just ate a spider! Bleh!))) My youth minister asked me what I wanted to eat, but I didn't want anything. I felt like there should have been a punishment, we came to the bus an hour late, we left an hour late, she said there would be no dinner because of this, yet she was letting us stop for dinner! She bought me an iced coffee, and then a large fry. (I'm a vegetarian, I don't eat Big Macs.) I accepted the coffee, but I didn't want anything to eat. I still felt like there should have been a punishment, and I told her that. She said she was sick of that attitude, so I just walked away and hid until it was time to go.

It's a rule of mine not to cry in public, but I was crying now. One of my best friends who had come on this trip with us and her boyfriend had been crying most of the day. Yeah, it had been mostly for her boyfriend's attention and was really starting to get on everyone's nerves, but on the bus ride to McDonald's, she had started banging her head on the window behind her, hard. Her boyfriend has been making her cry almost every time they're together. It's not always his fault, he's my best friend too, sometimes she's a little over sensitive. But it still hurts to see your best friend like this for 6 months. When I try to console her, nothing works. She calls her self stupid, and ugly, and unloved, and all she wants is her boyfriend to love her back. Why do girls place their self-worth in the hands of guys? We are all God's children and we should place our self-worth in God's hands. I pray for my friends who are like this, but I feel useless. Anything I say to them is forgotten, and shouldn't I be doing more than just praying? 'Cause it hasn't been working up to this point.

Psalms 62:5-8

"I don't know what to do

I ain't lookin' for answers

I just need you to hold my hand

Through this cancer

Tell me you never left

Even in the midst of death

Breathe on me I'll do anything to feel your breath

My God is not far away"-Lecrae (Far Away)




Those were 2 of the things I couldn't stop flow of tears for. There's another thing that I just couldn't stop thinking about and really what the title of this blog post is about. (Road to...?). I've been struggling a lot with what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I have a license, I have job, I'm on my way to a community college, but after that..? I was waiting in line on one of the rides with a guy who hasn't been at our church very long. He had recently been on a trip to Honduras, so I started asking him about it. He's a year younger than me, and I'm (forgive me) pretty jealous about the fact that he's been on a wonderful mission trip and I still have yet to go on one. But I've always been too worried about getting the money to do it. And I was telling him this and he told me I shouldn't worry, that God's gonna figure it all out and He's gotta plan to use me. Then I admitted that I hate not knowing that plan already. I was in JROTC for my four years of high school, and they teach you to make plans ahead of time. But according to this guy, that's not always how it works. I told him I felt like I was walking through fog, that I couldn't see but a foot in front of me and it was so discouraging. Then this guy told me I need to just work  on my patience, pray, read the Bible. He told me his trip to Honduras didn't have a man-made plan. That every time they tried to make a schedule, they never stuck with it. The day they got there, their first project was to dig a grave for an 18 month old child. A plan by them would never have worked, but it was all in God's plan and in God's time. He had given me a lot to think about.

We got on another ride, the Goliath, kind of like the Intimidator at Carowinds. I love roller coasters, but they also scare the living daylights out of me. We were at the part where you're traveling up really slowly and you start to pass the tops of the trees beside you. This is always the part I start to freak out about, because you can't see anything beyond the top of the track before it plunges straight down. I told my friend, this same guy, that this was my new metaphor for my life. All I could see was up to the top, and I was anxious because the rest of the track eluded me, I didn't know exactly when I would feel my stomach drop.
His come back: "But I promise you it's gonna be awesome."

My CAN > Your CAN'T

Just so the reader knows: that tiny little symbol in the title is a "greater than" sign (>). I try not to use anything math related over the summer (or anytime really), but since I'm now counting people's change at the Fun Depot Diner, that rule of mine is kinda history (which I do enjoy in, and not in, school)! 

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."~Mahatma Ghandi

"Heal the world, make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race."~Michael Jackson

A recent text conversation got me really worked up about 10 minutes ago, and so I write this post now to help let out my frustrations.

I said that society is, and always will be, corrupt because the human race as a whole is, and always will be, corrupt.
His response was that I only felt this way because that's how I've been told by my religious leaders.
Which, of course, made me a bit upset (understatement).

I don't do this by the way. My beliefs come solely from my own personal and spiritual interpretation of the Bible as it applies to my life and what I feel when I see people living their own daily lives. Just 'cause one preacher said it, doesn't mean it's truth.
I'm 18 years old, yeah, I don't know everything, but I don't claim to either. But I am smart enough to think for myself and make my own decisions and opinions. When I was a little girl of course I followed my parents morals because I didn't know anything different. But as you go through life and different role models and experiences change and shape you and your views, you learn to decided what matters to you and what value you want to live your life by.

True, our morals, decision, opinion, and such should be in line with God's Word, but they don't have to be the same as what a certain preacher or other religious leaders teach you. One should base their decisions on the Bible and God's Word, not a religion's rules and guidelines.

Unfortunately, most older people look at my generation and shake their heads in pity, shame, what have you. Once we get old enough to think for ourselves, they talk to us like we're idiots, just another ignorant teenager. As I said, I'm smart enough to form my own opinions, and they may not always be right on target, but no one has the right to criticize and judge me for that. ("Let anyone of you who is without sin be the first one to throw a stone at her" John 8:7b NIV) I don't want to be treated like I'm just one in a herd of cattle.

I'm sick of ignorant teenagers that caused this stereotype to have some elements of truth.
I'm sick of those older folks who endorse it.

I'm sick of fake Christians and hypocrites.
I'm sick of lazy people who don't try to make a difference though they complain anyway.

I'm sick of biased TV news programs.
I'm sick of biased law enforcement and regulations.

I'm sick of rich people who don't care to look.
I'm sick of poor people who stop trying because they make more on the streets.

I'm sick of republicans.
I'm sick of democrats.

I'm sick of arrogance, and ignorance.
I'm sick of no one listening to me and treating me like I'm stupid.

I'm sick of sexism, racism, hunger, disease, abuse, murder and
I'm sick of even somehow thinking I can change any of it when every person with the power to help I ever talk to says I can't do anything!

Especially when I can.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the leaders in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12 NIV

To Write, Or Not To Write...

...That is the question.

Since 4th grade, I've been writing creative short stories. I'm pretty good at it, but My ideas always stretch farther than I'm able to write. Since sometime in middle school, I've attempted who knows how many novels. The farthest I ever got was probably 5 chapters in. I attempted NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) last November and, of course, failed.

My ideas are interesting, my characters are realistic, my names are flawless, but somehow I end up getting bored or not knowing how to get from point A in the story to point B in the story; thus, I have never finished a single novel.

Maybe I shouldn't write it in order, but jump around from different parts of the story and go back and connect them all? Maybe I should push through it and suffer with some boring transitions?

It's on my bucket list to finish at least one novel. I don't care if I get it published or not, just to finish it would be awesome enough.

But I want to write something that is worthwhile. Something worth writing, something worth reading, maybe even something worth publishing. Someone I know published a book as a matter of fact, and he's using all the money he makes off of that book to donate to help stop human trafficking. I think that he is very admirable for this and if I ever do get a novel published, I plan to do the same.

Lying in bed the other night I was thinking of a story. It had different main characters, all with different strengths and flaws. It had a moral to it. It had young characters, yet mature themes. I just planned out all of my characters biographies, described what they look like to me, and named them.

But here is where I stop to wonder, would it just be another waste of time?

Road to...?

I don't even know what to start this with. I'm basically writing this blog for myself, writing helps me let off steam and think clearly about things stressing me out. And this year has been SO stressful.

Finally passed my driving test, working on the job (I was called for an interview, so that's a step in the right direction!), have my schedule for my first year of college, but I still have no idea where I'm going.

"If God calls you somewhere else then go!"

Was a facebook post that I read about 10 minutes ago. It got me thinking. For some reason I want to be a teacher. But there are many reasons I also don't want to be a teacher. Teaching my Kindergarteners in Vacation Bible School this week has shown me a little bit of both.


I asked a very good friend and role model of mine "How can I tell when God is calling me to do something? People have always told me that you have a passion for it, but I have a passion for a lot of things."
His answer was:

Typically here is what I advise in this situation in determining God's will in life or for a situation:

1 - You know it cannot be in contradiction to God's Word.  For example - God would not direct a person to cheat even if the result seems good or if it seemed there was a good reason to cheat.  God remains constant, does not change or break His nature.  Hebrews 13:8 and Romans 4:13-25

2 - Prayer

3 - Gods People (What do other Christians think?) Proverbs 15:2 teaches that wisdom comes with a multitude of counselors - in other words ask godly people with experience and see what they think...

4 - Psalm 37:4 says to delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.  I believe that if you are in good fellowship with the Lord that your desire would line up with God's for you.  So lets say your desire is to be a teacher - Christian friends think you are gifted in that area and would do great, and you have prayed and really want to do it.  I would say that it is pretty much a "No Brainer" because it passes the 4 part litmus test.

If all else fails:

5 - Sometimes you just don't know or cannot tell.  In these cases I typically do what I think best with whatever information I have at the time - asking God to close doors if you are going the wrong direction is always a good idea.

I've also been constantly thinking about Haiti since we did some work with packaging food for orphanages in Haiti during out week at Caswell this past summer. I have a real passion for those orphans and for that devastated country, and every time I turn around something inconspicuous is reminding me about those kids. I have a feeling God may be leading me toward some mission work in Haiti, but I'm never quite sure about these things...

If someone happens to read this post, I hope that my mentor's words of wisdom will help them as they are helping me!

Shameful Failure

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might has well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default."~J.K. Rowling

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."~Rafiki

Everyone makes mistakes. But we must learn from those mistakes and, here's the hard part for me, move on.

For a week in June, right after my high school graduation, I went to a wonderful place called Fort Caswell. It's a Baptist Camp for youth out on the coast of North Carolina and is run by the most wonderful Be Do Tell staff ever. The theme was about ethics, "He's Got An App For That." For our week the speaker happened to be Jeremy Kingsley who was so energetic and funny to keep one's attention, but his messages also had real, deep, spiritual meaning which left my notebook full of scribbled points, quotes and scripture references.
What struck me most odd (yet awesome) about Jeremy was the length of his prayers:
"Dear Lord, help us to pay attention and learn something during the sermon today, Amen."

What really matters is the meaning and sincerity behind the words of a prayer, not the scholarly words and length of it!

Now back to what this post is supposed to be about:

One night that week, I think it might have been Wednesday, Jeremy's message was on the story of The Lost/Prodigal Son.

Luke 15:11-32 NIV

The Parable of the Lost Son

¹¹ Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. ¹² The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

¹³ “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴ After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵ So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶ He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

¹⁷ “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸ I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹ I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ ²⁰ So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

²¹ “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

I've heard this story so many times in my life, and it has helped me to tell struggling people that God will always accept you and welcome you back home with open arms, no matter what sinful things you have done (the Casting Crowns song, Prodigal, comes to mind here). But the way that Jeremy spoke about it was astonishingly beautiful. It was evident that he felt passionately about this passage. His message touched me so deeply that night.

Alas, there is always an end to a week at camp. You remember me telling you that the theme of the camp this summer was about ethics? (Ethics: A system of moral principles.) Yeah, I didn't when I got home that Saturday. I made one of the POOREST choices I have made in my entire life. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made happened less than 5 hours after I returned from a Christian camp with the theme being ethics. I cried myself to sleep that night, I didn't know how on earth I was going to live with the shame and guilt of this sin. To make this horrible time even easier for me, I left that Sunday to go on a beach trip with my second church's youth group (sarcasm intended). I felt like scum. I didn't deserve to go on this trip. I didn't want to. I didn't want to be around these wonderful people, feeling so dirty myself. I couldn't pray because I didn't think God wanted to hear from me. I was broken.

Luckily enough, God plans everything just right, to show us what we need to be seen and to help us when we need to be helped. I had a very good friend of mine on this trip with me who nudged me in the right direction and whom I was able to vent and spill my guts to. I also had something even better, my Bible and my God right beside me. It took a while, but with the help of some Godly people who comforted me while not even knowing why I was crying and angry, I was able to recover. I thought back to the previous Wednesday, to Jeremy's Prodigal Son message. I finally understood the depth of this story and the extent of God's love like that of the father in His parable. I realized that God had never left me, never stopped loving me, never stopped waiting for me to come back to Him, even in the midst of my shameful failure.

"Dear Lord, thank you for this parable, for Jeremy Kingsley, for Caleb, for my Bible, and for your unconditional love for me, Amen."

(I owe some credit to BrainyQuote.com, BibleGateway.com, and Dictionary.com)