Broken People

What can you say to someone so broken she's been crying for weeks? What do you say to someone who's daughter won't speak to her? What do you say to someone who's mother won't speak to her either? What do you say to someone who has no food, no water, no health insurance, and no money because her same daughter filled out the government papers wrong? What do you say to someone who can't even eat what food is left in her house? What do you say to someone who's mom won't even let her take a shower in her house? What do you say to someone who's so broken?
I didn't know what to say to her. She's 47, I'm 18, anything I said wouldn't have any weight. "Oh, don't worry, things'll turn up!" doesn't mean anything, they're just empty promises. She's been through Hell and back. She didn't even know if she wanted to live anymore after her daughter left without a "goodbye" or a single look back. True, she wasn't ever on the list of "Best Mom's in America," but not even the crappiest mom on earth deserves such torment from her own family. She has no one to turn to, and she knows that solemn fact.
But it struck me as odd, that she was so strong in our 20 minute conversation today. She told me, she knew that things would get better, that it always happened that the hard times gave way to the good. I could see it in her tear filled eyes, that although it didn't resolve any of her pain, she believed what she was telling me.
She needs someone. She has someone too, but she doesn't know Him yet. There is always hope! I've known her to be an atheist all my life, and the other day she texted me, telling me to pray for her daughter and "God bless you."
Whoever reads this, please, aid me in praying for this broken woman and her family.

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning" - Josh Wilson

Daddy's Girl

Abba, Father, I want to thank you. I want to thank you with all of my heart for being here for me all the time, for loving me and cherishing me. I take it for granted so much, but when I think about the things in life that are bringing the people I care about down, I get discouraged. Thank you for being me loving Heavenly Father, always.
And thank you also for sending me a wonderful earthly father. I've seen so many of my friends grow up without a father in their lives, or with a crappy father who doesn't love and hold his little girl like he should. That makes me sad, because I love the relationship I have with my Daddy, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He has never abused me, he has constantly been here for me, though he may be a little too logical and non-emotional and a fairly demanding parent, I know he loves me. He's authoritative, yet kind. He hugs me when I have a bad day, he helps me with my math homework instead of yelling at me for a failing grade, he gives me guidance and direction as I go through so much stress and uncertainty about the future, and I could go on all night about the things he's done, the good constantly outweighing the bad, though he's not a perfect person.
So I thank you so much God, for giving me an earthly father that so greatly models you, so that I can know that I'm a beautiful girl, in his eyes and in yours, and that I am worth something.
I pray that you'll help all of the girls in the world who don't have such a connection to their earthly fathers see that they have a Heavenly one who loves them unconditionally and will never leave or forsake them, that they are perfect in your eyes.

I love my Daddy here on Earth,
and I love you Heavenly Father.
Amen.

Discouragement

It's been kind of rough lately.
Only one of my friends that I see on a daily basis is a good Christian person, the rest cuss and drink and smoke and make bad jokes. (I don't hate them because of this, I truly love them. That's why I hang around them. But it gets frustrating when they talk about parties and sex and crap like that all the time.)
My math class (one of the 5 classes I'm taking) gives me so much homework that I spend an average of 7 hours per day working on it.
I just found out my ex-boyfriend had been cheating on me. That's happened before, no big deal, some people are just jerks. But he was the one who remained my friend for four years, he was the one who constantly picked me up when I was down, made me feel like someone special. The note he wrote in my yearbook brings me to tears. I've always considered him a good, respectable, southern guy, he's even a Marine now. I never though he would be capable of something like this.
A friend of mine is pregnant, and she just keeps having bad things happen to her, she's almost constantly in tears and she's been so stressed, it seems like nothing is going right. I just want people to be happy, is that too much to ask?

But I shouldn't complain right?
So many of the world's children are living in and dying because of poverty.
Young girls in some third world countries don't go to school because they have to walk 3.5 miles to get water, which weighs about 50 pounds.
Thirteen year old girls are kidnapped and forced into sex slavery.
So many people in so many countries are living on less than $2.50 per day.
Children are constantly being orphaned and abandoned.
There is so much pain in the world, and I feel discouraged everyday because of the miniscule problems I face.

I tell myself this and the next day I feel hardly any different, still discouraged, still hopeless, still sluggish.
I walked upstairs to the Sanctuary of my church last night, right after our youth lesson was over, the first words I heard were:

"Discouragement is inevitable when we try to face our problems on our own strength."

Maybe that's how people in poverty stricken places can have so much faith, they rely on God because they literally have nothing. I have so much, and sometimes I take that for granted and forget to rely on my Father; I think I can handle it on my own instead.

"Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate, who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender, to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something heavenly"
~Sanctus Reel

Praying for You and Me

"Father, I'm prayin' for a friend he and I are pretty close, and out of all my friends for this one I'm concerned the most. He say he readin' daily but he ain't really learnin'. He been in church but say that he ain't moved by any sermon. His face weak, he ain't prayed in a week, he wake up and just weep with his face in the sink Lord, you gotta help my man, I'm prayin' for him daily, he ain't sinned but it just seem as if he goin' crazy. He say he feelin' trapped

even though he talk to me, I tell him what to do but he don't listen when he oughta' be. I'm scared for him coz there's people that look up to him, he got some younger siblings who been changed by what he's done for them but is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me, is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me...

God, his condition is worsen since we were last conversed and I'm with him now and he ain't doin' well and this I'm certain. He say he tryna' trust you, doesn't wanna disgust you but he was in the mist of sinners and did not discuss you and just today his anxiety's got the best of him, he knows Christ but for hours refuse to rest in Him, he's not the best of men but Lord I know he really loves you and I can't understand why lately he's not thinkin' of you. People trust this dude, you could crush this dude, Father he needs more of you I pray you touch this dude, what can I say to him? I'm determined to pray for him Father empty and brake him I pray you'll just have your way with him, coz there's a change in him and the effects are strong, I pray you open up his heart before the next song and when he gets home, I pray he'll open up the sixty-six book love letter you wrote and soak it up coz he ain't hearin' You and he ain't feelin' me and God I know it's killin' You because it's killin' me and matter of fact there's somethin' else he's concealin' see, the person that I've been prayin' about is really me..."

-Lecrae

I need to pray for others as well.. I keep saying I will, telling them they're in my prayers, but I haven't prayed in so long, how can I be saying these lies to them? I teach a Sunday school class now, I should know better than this, doesn't James say teachers are judged more harshly?

I pray for her, I haven't told her, but she's been going down the wrong path for so long. I feel like maybe I'm to blame? I should have been a better example? A better friend? A better person? I see her all the time, but I never tell her that she needs to turn her life around, I'm afraid she'll completely stop talking to me and then it would be hopeless anyway, but doing nothing is just the same. Father, she needs direction, she needs conviction, I don't even know if she still believes anymore! Help her to help herself. I know her situation is rough, but she needs to continue to have the motivation to get herself out of the rut. I love her dearly, please help me to help her too.

I pray for her as well, she's been so sick. Physically sick and tired. I feel bad, I want to reach out to her, but we aren't the closest of friends. We are growing closer, in fact, she confided something in me the other day. It was something that she found out over the weekend, devastating, depressing, I can only imagine how worthless she is feeling right now. She's always had a problem with seeing herself through your eyes and not the eyes of the world. Please help her to have peace, to know that though she is going through a major storm in her life right now, that she still has people that love and care for her. I admire her strength and I look forward to being in college with her and spending even more time with her, I just hurt because she hurts. We have fun in the library, eating ice cream, making fools of ourselves on campus, but there is always that undertone of reality, that when the laughing and painful sides and cheeks sore from smiling are all gone, life is still just as dreadful and scary as it was before. I love her, and I want her to know that. I tell her, but I don't think she truly hears. Give her love, God, give her hope.

I pray for her as well, dear Lord. She is a strong woman too, but she's scared. She's scared that her mistake will lead to the scorn of someone she truly cares about. It is a mistake that can't be hidden for very long, and she has decided to tell her loved one tomorrow. She is nervous, so nervous, that her loved one will be angry with her, hate her, not talk to her. But she wants this person to know that she still has a special place in her heart for them, that nothing will ever take that away. I tried to console her, and she told me my words helped more than I know. I hope that they truly did. And I pray that, Father, you will give her the right words to say to her loved one tomorrow, that you will be with them and help them to know that she still loves them. I pray that their bond will not be broken.

I pray also for him, I love him. I love him more than I've loved others that have come both before and after him, but he's been taken from me. Or, honestly, I let him go without meaning to. I pray that you keep him safe, keep his paths straight. Where he is right now is an easy place to be lead astray, especially with the people he is around from now until October. I pray that even after he comes back home that you keep him safe as he is enlisted. If I ever find out something tragic has happened to him, my heart may fail right then and there. I know I just discovered some awful news about him today, and I know that it should make me furious. But it only hurts me more. I can't be mad at him, no matter how hard I try. But I can't let him go either. He has a good heart, so please, God, keep a protective hand around him.

And I pray for her. I don't want to, but I know I have to. It is so easy for me to hate her, but I know I mustn't. I've been trying to be kind to her in my actions, but if my heart is not in it, then it is useless! My heart was in it, until I discovered that same awful news. It was so hard to show kindness to her today, I may have inadvertently given her the cold shoulder. But I will try to love her, because I know that I should show your love to even the most unlovable of people. You didn't turn away tax collectors, or adulterers, or lepers, you loved them as anybody else. Please Father, help me to love her as anybody else. Help me to show her kindness, because I owe it to her, to him, and to you. If you loved someone as vile as I, surely I can love her.

Last but not least, I pray for another him, in almost the same position, though farther along in the military. I love this person so much and I miss him. I used to see him weekly, but he's been gone for some time and will be for much more time. I enjoy the sparse facebook chats, and I love looking as he posts new pictures from that dangerous land across the Atlantic. He has so many people who love him here and he is in such danger. He is doing it for a noble cause however, and dear Lord I pray with all my heart that you keep him safe across the ocean, I pray on behalf of myself and all the others who love him dearly. I know his mother is praying daily and nightly for him, and I wish I had her dedication. I can't wait until his safe return.

And the return of them all, those noble men who are sacrificing everything for the well-being of those of us who are sitting in the comfort of our own homes. I pray that you watch, guide, and protect our troops, and let them have a safe journey home. I also pray that you comfort their families, especially those who have lost their loved ones over there. The families that stay home and wait for the return of their loved ones make a very precious sacrifice as well.

I pray all these things in your good and Holy name, Amen.

Growing Older

 
I've just finished my first week of college and am about to start my second week tomorrow morning! I'll be able to vote in November and be called for jury duty. I can drive, go places without asking for permission, have a job. I have so much more freedom and responsibility now than I did 4 years ago when I wasn't even allowed to walk around the mall by myself.

I was cleaning tables at the diner I work in, and I noticed a sweet looking elderly woman sitting alone at one of the tables with 3 or 4 small drinks on the table in front of her. (I work at an arcade-like place with a diner built in) She was most likely waiting on her grandchildren as they were playing. I had seen elderly men and women do this before, but they usually had a crossword, newspaper, book, etc. in their hands. This woman had nothing to occupy herself with, she was content to simply sit and watch the children passing by.

I wondered what she was thinking about. Was she just zoning out? Was she thinking about when she was the age of her grandchildren? When her kids were that age? Was she thinking about her kids? About her husband? Was she wishing her parents were still around? If her parents were still around was she stressing about how to care for them? Was she wishing she had spent more time with them growing up? Was she reminiscing about all the years past? Was she remorseful? Or did she have no regrets? Was she happy with the way her life turned out? Did she wish it had panned out differently? Was she ready to die? Or was she terrified about what would come in the next couple decades or so? Was she wishing for a time machine? Did she marry the wrong person? Treat her parents wrong? Raise her kids badly? Had she been too selfish with her time and/or money? Was she wishing she had been more kind? More patient? Should she have chosen a different career? Should she have saved up more money for life insurance? Should she have made better decisions in college? Should she have gone to college? Should she have kept in touch with her old friends? Or was she glad she made that career choice and was able to have enough money in savings? Was she glad that she kept in touch with her old friends? Was she eagerly awaiting the next high school reunion(s)? Was she excited to see her parents again after she died? Was she afraid of being forgotten?

I didn't know anything about this woman other than her appearance at a glance, but she made me think. She made me think about my choices, putting myself in her shoes. When I get to be her age, what will I be thinking as I wait for my grandchildren to tire of playing arcade games? Will I be satisfied with the way I've lived my life? Or will I be desperately wishing I had a time machine? I've decided to make more of an effort, to be more kind, generous, loving, and patient. To live my life to the fullest, without fear of inadequacy, without fear of regrets. I want to make sure that when I die, at least one person may remember me and have been touched in some good way by me. That way I can leave my impact on the world and shown even just a small sliver of the love God has given me.

Update!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step~Unknown

The mightiest oak was once a tiny acorn that stood it's ground~Unknown

So I had the worst day yesterday. I was awfully tired and hungry and the guy who was supposed to be on the second cash register never showed up, giving me no break. I'm trying to get myself to move on from one guy, but I can't stop thinking about him and I know it's not healthy. I was also still kind of depressed from saying goodbye to all of my closest friends this week. My two very best friends both left, and I cried while driving for the first time this week. Today was supposed to be our traditional movie day with us three, but they're gone. One's in Cullowhee, the other in Boone.
But let's not dwell on the bad parts. I'm skyping the one in Boone and the one in the Whee is coming back Saturday to get some stuff he forgot.

I was extremely worried about my first taught Sunday School lesson this morning. I had no reason to be! I only had one lovely 3rd grader this morning, and she reminds me so much of myself when I washer age. She is SO smart, that she pretty much taught the Bible story about Paul and Silas in prison to me! But then she confided in me, she's been bullied in school the past 3 years, and her little brother is now in Kindergarten and she is scared that he's going to get bullied too. And she is so wise that she realizes she isn't going to have her parents forever and she doesn't want that day to come. She told me all of these things until she had brought herself to tears. I felt my heart slowly breaking. I offered her some God-given advice I didn't know I had, and I tied it all in with the Bible lesson as well. But then I heard myself; I was telling her to pray for her guidance and her little brother. I realized that maybe I should start taking my very own advice. I've been scared for my little brother all my life as well, I need to go back to praying for him every day again, as well as for some much needed guidance.

Then this girl told me a story about her first day of school this year. She had gotten an answer wrong on a placement test, but she had a second chance after they graded it. The second time she got the answer correct. When they went to lunch, she prayed to God, thanking him for helping her get it right and she said that some of the other kids looked at her weird for doing so. I was so shocked by this story. I was in such a state of admiration at her faith. If only I could have the faith of a child again, I'm finally realizing what everyone means when they say this.

God speaks to Moses through a burning bush

What I've just written makes me feel inadequate, yet capable at the same time. I feel like Moses. I am capable through God to carry on and help this little girl whom I admire so much, and I am inadequate to do so on my own. As I start my very first day of college tomorrow morning, I pray I keep this in mind. Tomorrow is, in fact, the first day of the rest of my life; but then again, everyday is!

Exodus 4:12 (NIV)

"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

WARNING: Unusually Short Post Ahead!

College = stress. I'm not quite there yet, but will be in less that 2 weeks. Change = terrifying.
Not only is it crazy expensive, the college I'm going to is fairly lacking in the planning ahead department, my best friends are leaving to both Cullowhee and Boone while I'm staying in my parents' house, I'm not taking any fun classes, and I'm gonna miss high school terribly. Add on to that, my job is turning into a weekend job and since I can't work on Sunday's, I get 8-10 hour shifts every Friday and Saturday until around Thanksgiving.

Migrant Mother taken by Dorothea Lange.
Depicts Florence Owens Thompson, 32, mother of 7
California, March 1936 - The Great Depression

But I'm done complaining. I had a fight with the parents a day or two ago, resulting in my breaking of the washing machine and not eating for close to 24 hours. I felt so depressed, and so alone. My friends were leaving, all my high school mentors weren't gonna be there, my parents haven't been giving me as many rules (seems like a good thing until you get there), etc. I felt like the woman in this famous photograph of the great depression looks. Burdened and forced to go it alone.

But this morning, one of my very close friends sent me a text. He made my day so much better, just with his words. I don't think he'll mind if I quote him (not like many people will read this, again, it's predominantly for my benefit...). I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful friend as you =]
His exact words:

"Lord, I thank u for this day I thank u for another oppurtunity to serve u and Lord I jus thank u especially for Amber Lord she means so much to me and I thank u for putting her in my life and being able to kno tht no matter wat shell be ther for me and Lord I pray u would jus bless her and help her hve a good day and kno tht I love her and if there's anything she needs I'm always here for its in your name we pray amen."

This...THIS made my day so much better and contributed to bringing me outta my mini-stress-induced-depression-thingy.

Had to take a trip over to my future college, and boy was that stressful! I was strung out most of the day. Locked my keys in the car, so tired when I got to work, couldn't find a Starbuck's gift card for one of my friends who's leaving soon, etc. So when I get on Facebook for a few seconds after a long and exhausting day today, I saw a reminder. Another friend of mine had a very inspirational status, I've quoted her before on here. But I just wanted to save her words and remember them for later in life:

"Never give up, you have to try. Fight against the sadness. You need to find your self- worth other wise you can't be there for others. The inside is what counts. Don't doubt yourself. Be confident in who you are. Your never alone. You always have friends. Don't forget your hopes and dreams. People with no hope are easy to control. Never stop fighting! Remember you have the power to stop the pain/ problem!"

Thank you, for never failing to write what I need to hear! (I hesitate putting names on here, but if she wants credit, I'll gladly give it. Because these are NOT my words.)

  OK, so not as short as the title may lead...but
 shortER than normal!

Look up Isaiah 40:31. Beautiful Bible verse!